Notes from my 84th trip (Concentration)

Nick. Flora is not here anymore. It's time that you accept that.

Sometimes I think that we are all, in some ways, vehicles, and the adventure and safety that we can provide another person is in essence the measure of who we are in the world. Right now I don't think that I'm a very good ride. In fact, I'm quite ashamed of how shitty the experience would be.

You know, you have to apply what you believe to be a good martial arts instructor to how you live your life. Someone that will stretch your limits, but still caring of who you are. Sometimes I don't even know if you like yourself, and that needs to be resolved.

At the end of the day I was not able to take care of Flora, like I was not, and still am not in a place where I can be responsible for another human being. But she made me want to be so that I could. And that is why I loved her so.

I am really working on being a responsible person. That is why I was sent back to Seattle and when I think about it, I have great teachers here to give me their lessons.

Write the story about Morocco and submit it somewhere. It is a worthy tale.

Your father is a really interesting person. You could learn a lot from him if you just spoke to him more.

I went back to my parents for 2 weeks, and when I left this time it didn't feel like freedom. It felt like sadness. 

The thing I loved so much about Flora was that she never tried to be anything. She just was. Goddamn authenticity. Always gets me.

People who want to write a book because they think their life is 'crazy', need to realize that everybody is crazy; you've just been so self-absorbed that you've never bothered to ask someone else what their life about. 

The thing I learned about adulthood today is that it is when you are strong enough to contend w/ your fears. You no longer run from them. You have enough belief that you can best them. 

George is one of my funniest friends. I think anyone named George is somebody's funniest friends.

That moment Michael and I decided to stay in Ibiza for one more night was the awesomest. It changed both of our lives.

I can see why people who've dedicated their lives to mastinger English grammar probably hate things like Facebook, YouTube and reddit.

I think a lot of people mistake medical malpractice w/ bad customer service.

Be nicer to your Mom.

This fractured ankle has single-handedly been of the greatest teachers in my life. It taught how to command the Being inside me to discipline itself, because the vehicle in which it travels is under repair.

I think it's important to remember that you are still recovering. You're not at your peak form.

Prison probably has some of humanity's most interesting characters. What they're put through is inhumane though. It goes far beyond the limit of punishing them for their crime. 

The first time me and Flora made love was on Children's Day.

Follow Love. Just follow Love. Everything you will be in need of on that journey will appear on your path.

I am like a prince trapped in his tower, waiting for the cavalry to arrive.

Flora told me that dating me was like a giant LSD trip. I laughed at that, because for me dating her was, and still is, a long Daime trip that doesn't end.

Notes from my 83rd work (Celebration with Paulo Roberto)

I think that when someone goes through a failed marriage, they feel as if they have been deceived in the highest order.

Actually, divorce rates are a pretty accurate indicator of how well a society is doing in providing for its people. 

I think a healthy daily ritual is to ask yourself if you've given up on life.

One time Flora and I were in the middle of a really intense argument and said, "We're basically married!" I don't know if she knew that despite the situation, hearing her say that made me really happy.

I think its important before entering a new relationship that you clear out all the baggage from a past relationship. It's crazy how the memory of someone can create very real wounds to a completely new person in the present. 

For whatever reason, words were the weapons given to me for this battle. 

I think something that is touching about boxing gyms is that it is a place where kids are seeking answers and when they show up, someone is there. 

Boxing gyms are held together by people like Manny. Dedicated fighters who still have enough invested in the sport, but understand the importance of upholding and caring for tradition.

One way to assess how good a television series is, is how much influences your daily life, like how much you think about the story's characters when making decisions. That being said, "Sons of Anarchy" is one of the best shows I've ever seen.

One method of determining how good a relationship is going is how much the two of you eat while you're cooking.

People who can parallel park perfectly often have interesting stories. 

The stories of others. They are the best teachers. It's really the only place you need to look.

It is actually a very profound honor to be a storyteller.

I see now that a lot of my fear comes from a fear of coming out of the darkness.

The trick that darkness plays is that it convinces you it is a place to find your answers, that it is safe, when in reality it is a prison. 

From my experience in martial arts, the biggest ego you have, the harder you get hit. 

I'll always have the Lighthouse.

At some point, you begin to see yourself aging into your parents. 

Boxing is really about someone who has been beaten up, looking for a way to defend himself.

The first time you walk into a boxing gym, or any real martial arts dojo, is an amazing experience. It is sometimes the first time you see strong men (and women) able to withstand the torment of life.

Creating a successful comic book superhero must be a trying experience. 

One time Flora and I got into a really bad argument. Bad enough to where she wanted to sleep on the couch. Soon after she fell asleep, I unrolled a mat and slept close to her on the ground. She woke me up in the morning and laid down right next to be on the floor. When I moved over to give her half the mat space, she shook her head and just held me. We slept like that for another half hour.

It is difficult to be in Love w/ someone whose heart belongs to someone else.

At the end of the day, I really love writing about fighters and fight gyms. There's something worth looking into there, Nick.

Start educating yourself about water.

Notes from my 82nd work (Cura with Paulo Roberto)

I don't really understand why it is taking so long for me to get over this relationship. I wonder if it is just as difficult for her. If there was anything that I'd want her to know is that she ripped my life open, took it all apart, laid it out in front of me, showed me what was wrong, then left w/o telling me how to fix it. 

I miss my friend Sarapó. He is the true definition of what an indigenous person is and how they are currently living.

I get worried that if I don't write some of these stories down, I will forget them.

I understand what it is to be offended by a certain person in your life to ask, "How are you doing?" There's usually a really long and crazy story behind it.

If I were to die tomorrow and make an overall assessment of my life, I'd say it was one lived w/o enough risk, too much fear, too much laziness.

"I didn't have a sickness, I had a misunderstanding." 

I think the conclusion I've drawn thus far is that the more free time I have, the worse things get.

A true teacher will not show you the answers, just where to look.

When you say no to temptation, it bangs louder on your door, but as a torment instead of a seduction. And the further you resist the temptation, the more you begin to trust yourself.

This whole thing is ridiculous. Life is ridiculous.

I really want to interview a porn star. Like what are the recruiters like? It's like for every fetish, the porn industry says, "We'll find someone willing to do that." I just wonder, what do they say? Does it sound different to you now? If I had my choice, I'd interview Sensi Pearl.

There is something super endearing about a person who uses the word "scoundrel". Even more so when they use it referring to themselves.

In many ways, Brazilians figured it out.

I think one of the most important things Brazil taught me is to not make any assumptions about anyone.

Rio isn't perfect. In fact, it's pretty fucked up. But it gave me enough confidence + support to take a chance on making it my home.

I will say though, one of the best things about being back in Seattle is I get to see my parents. 

I wonder if when my friend Zoë asks me to hang out, she does it knowing that I've had and probably will always have this tiny, sort of, but kinda serious crush on her.

I wonder if when a parent has an intention for a child's life, that it is the child's duty to fulfill that intention. But then what about the personal aspirations that child find on its own path? I guess that's the test. Following your heart while being responsible for your duties. 

When Flora made out w/ someone else, and wanted to continue to have the freedom to do so in our relationship, that hurt on a variety of levels, but I realize now that a lot of the suffering lied in a logical equation that I just couldn't understand. I should have asked her, "But wait. If I am the Love of your life, then why is just having me not enough?" 

I think that's the goal for everyone in any sort of serious relationship. To feel that they are enough, for that person, and for the world. 

Notes from my 81st work (Wedding Work)

You have to be more aware of what is happening around you. Pay more attention, basically. 

Man. I cannot believe until now you could not see that you had a totally unhealthy obsession for Flora. But there was something real there too. I just lost control of it. 

I think it's important to try, to at least try, to make something of yourself. Because you might fail, but you might not. And you already know what it feel like to not try. 

I used to be a boxer. Like I trained seriously in that for a few years. I shouldn't forget that.

So many times that we look back on the past thinking, "I should have known better." We just have to remember that in the moment there are angles that we can't see, and we really are doing the best we can.

That is a question I should ask myself every morning in the mirror:
"Am I going to give my best today?" 

I think I am realizing something in my life needs to change. I need more structure. I need guidance to follow. 

It is hard to determine what is fact and what are feelings, when writing your own biography. 

The thing I now see about Flora and I is that there is no person to blame. There was no one person who was wrong at the end of it all. We were both right and wrong at different times, played the parent when the other needed and we loved one another. That was Love. The real thing. People can think whatever they want about her or about how I've approached the whole relationship, but you will NEVER get me to say it wasn't Love. 

I know about cheating. I've been on both sides of that battle.

I think it is important after a recovery that you remember that you were once a person unharmed. 

Child rapists should really be hung. The type of psychological scarring they cause is sickening. All because they're fucking selfish people. 

It's always a bit awkward when the person you're dating catches you Googling the "Overly-attached Girlfriend Meme." Even if it happened to be a pure coincidence, it's still a tough situation to explain yourself out of. 

When I show up at the moment the grocery store first opens, like I planned for that to happen, I always have to analyze my life a bit. 

A******: I think the problem is that I am honestly trying to determine if I am good for your life. Yeah. Flora really fucked me up. 

Most times I just wondered if I had affected her as she did me. I was never sure, and that was probably the problem. 

"When I go, I wish to return as a child, like how I came."

It is important to do things that fit, not because they are safe. 

Sometimes when I read articles about why Seattle is such a great city, it kinda feels like they're reaaaaalllly trying hard to convince people not to kill themselves for being from Seattle. 

One thing that I loved about the forest is that you could eat the dirt.

There was a time in my life where I would wake up and my entire day would be determined on whether or not Flora texted me that morning.

I am now seeing that in many ways the choice between staying here or going back to Brazil is very much a choice between Love and duty. 

Oh my father of healing, he came to heal. If you do not open the doors for him, the sickness will remain.

I think the reason I've been coming back to these meetings is because it makes me feel okay about my life. 

"If you want to go on a journey, you go out by yourself. But if you want to complete that journey, you invite someone onto that path." 

You know that guy where you instinctively feel, "Wow. It would NOT be cool to be friends w/ that guy." Like even to have him around, really. Like he's THAT annoying. Yeah. I've met him before. 

I think I very much know what it is like to live in a place w/ far too much empty space, filled w/ all the necessities and even luxuries of life, but be completely vapid of Love. 

"Forgiveness is the medicine for every relationship on earth." 

In general, I want everyone I know to be happy and healthy. It's funny. I know the formula of how to achieve happiness, but I can't seem to get it. It's pretty much being okay w/ your life. 

I've become a nicer person as I've grown older. I guess that's one good thing about aging. 

So there's this guy that I used to refer to as "Jungle Caveman". He was the type of dude that could get dirty but come out the other side clean w/o bathing. One time, he took me down the hill from church in his Mitsubishi Galant while playing techno music. People are fucking crazy. 

I'll be frank w/ you A******. I'm not sure I'm worth the trouble. 

Notes from my 80th trip (Passagem do Mestre Irineu)

This sound extremely elementary, but is a writer's job to explain emotions. What it is to cry, to pain, to hurt and to Love. That is the task set upon a writer, and the path which you are on. 

I think people view me much differently than I actually am. If they knew the type of thoughts that run through my head all day they'd puke.

When you're young, you think the world is full of second chances. I guess I'm reaching th age where I feel like this is kinda it. 

I have to remember that I felt nearly dead 8 months ago. I'm not doing all that well, but it is a huge, major improvement. 

You can learn a lot by paying attention to how long it takes to acquire the different belts in Jiu-Jitsu.

The people you appreciate least are oddly the ones you miss the most in times of despair. 

All of this is to teach you humility. Not until you have truly learned it will you be able to move on.

My father's near-death experience has revealed many insecurities that I thought I did not have.

This time in Seattle has not been a waste of time. It is a lesson in the same story. Remember that. Always. 

I have a ridiculously good memory, and sometimes it sucks because I am haunted by memories I no longer want to remember. 

I think this time has been about unearthing a lot of deep-seeded addictions and addressing them properly. 

This has been a horrible year of my life. It was preceded by one of the best. It is a good example how much a fall from grace can hurt. 

Damn Grace. You just gave your heart to someone who hadn't grown up. I feel I'm still the same in a lot of ways. I wonder if w/ Flora, I was trying to be something I wasn't ready for. God knows I wanted to be.

That is it. This is training for you to become a man capable of loving someone responsibly.

Where it went wrong w/ Flora was when you started expecting her attention instead of being grateful for it. Granted, that's a tricky territory to manage, but I think that's part of what went wrong. 

It is when a Love can capture your existence up until that point you've been alive. That is what is so special about it. 

Police detectives responsible for turning people into snitches must have some crazy-ass psychology knowledge. I wonder what the educational requirements for that position is. 

Probably the only useful thing Jay-Z has ever said (at least for me) is that the success of his career was due to his ability to focus. 

Notes from my 79th trip (Concentration)

Sometimes I feel like this thing is really trying to kill me.

When I put my hand on my father's head, he said to me, "Heal me. Heal me please." 

The thing that scared me most was that I didn't know what to do. All I could do keep my hand on his head.

I am in a constant confusion as to what my role is in order to best serve in this life. 

All of the tough moments, they are just bends in the path. If you are faithful to your path, then it will take care of the rest. But you have to trust in it. 

I have so much respect for you, Afrose. Like it's ridiculous. ( like the amount of scrill you be making for your poetry. Get that scrill son! )

As a writer, I see now: 

The world is my therapist. 

"It is not I who commands but God. It is not I who commands but God." 
This is the war cry of Saint Michael. Pick up your bed and get to work. Do not complain about your task, but pray. 

What to tell my father: 

You are a general. What you have endured thus far is to sharpen your skills, not to kill you. It is not your enemy, but your ally to strengthen you for the next leg of your journey. 

I am getting to the age where the people I know and love are starting to leave this life. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for someone who had to confront that as a child. 

You have been hiding behind your past as a fighter. When you were disciplined. When you had a fucking schedule. You are a joke compared to what you used to be. Flora said it one time. She said she still loved you, or at least who you used used to be. That is a good summation for your life.

Pornstars are a good example of how someone can never fully understand that they are good looking. That they are beautiful. 

George Bush Jr was a joke of a president. He's a joke of a human being when you really think about it. 

The things that mothers have had to endure...

Notes from my 78th trip (Gift of the Body)

People wonder why it is so hard for me to get over Flora. It is because everything she ever did, every word, every breath, every stroke, was in accordance with the divine. She was connected, without even fully knowing it. I guess at this point, I just hope she hasn't lost touch w/ that. 

You know those times where you just want everything to shut up and stop, for it to just be SILENT so you can make sense of reality, but you never get it? Yeah. For those that know that place, I feel you. I go through that every day. Really, I do. 

I realize I write because I am a deranged person. 

To anyone who has ever thought it would be interesting to date me. It would be interesting, no doubt, but I can't guarantee that it would be pleasant. 

If my father was to pass soon, I think the saddest thing is that he never saw me become a man. He never saw me married, he never saw me have children. He never saw me succeed in a profession where I could support myself. He never saw me happy, essentially.

A******, you have made this journey undeniable easier. Thank you.

The thing that is so sickening about this society is that it forces people to turn into machines in order to survive. 

Sometimes writing can very much be the same as piercing yourself in the heart. 

I think what I need to understand is that in healing, you must purge out the sickness. And that requires work and pain. 

A good teacher is one who will make you feel that you have no read nearly enough books.

To those who have tried to hurt me in this moment of despair, I remember those wound, I have grown scars over them. They are a part of me. And you will feel that when I come to deliver your judgment. 

I guess one thing I appreciate and despise about favelas is that people there are forced to confront a lot of pain and suffering at an early age. 

Flora would fuck up most men's concept of masculinity. I guess that's another reason I loved her. 

Ego-driven self-belief will burn out in the face of reality. If one is perceptive enough.

Flora had the key. It was to the puzzle of understanding myself. That is why I was so obsessed with her. It was totally unhealthy. 

You need to stop complaining so much, Nick.

"The owner of temptation senses your weakness, senses your wounds."

I will write a book about Brazil one day. I remember everything. The scene, the smells, the FEEL. But I'm not yet a good enough write to capture it correctly.

Cherish every day of your youth. They are not meant to be wasted.

I guess what Flora taught me is to become a man that is worthy of being married. 

Desirée. I could totally design a room that I know you will fall deeply in love with. But you know this as well as I do, we are not meant to be together. But whoever gets you is a lucky person. 

On an ongoing decision on whether or not I truly like my editor at Vice, I do have this to say: 

He makes me figure things out on my own and almost never edits anything I write. That is such a relief, not having to wake up and see some monstrosity Frankenstein job of your words that have been managed in a way that goes against your beliefs. Using your own words to represent something you detest. That is the greatest insult. 

Based on the comment potential alone, the death of Chuck Norris will be the funniest day in recorded history. 

You want to be more but you are afraid. 

The stories of grandmothers are sacred. 

"It is from humility that everything else comes." 

This is all part of a long journey. The times when you swore it was over, that you cursed her to the depths of the most horrible Hell, all of it is just guidance back to her.

When I was asked what I prayed for tonight, in other words, what I wanted to be healed, I said the following: 

"The brokenness of me so I can be a person who is there for his family."

That moment is where I signed up for that role. 

Desert Dwellers