Sunday, July 12, 2015

Notes from my 81st work (Wedding Work)

You have to be more aware of what is happening around you. Pay more attention, basically. 

Man. I cannot believe until now you could not see that you had a totally unhealthy obsession for Flora. But there was something real there too. I just lost control of it. 

I think it's important to try, to at least try, to make something of yourself. Because you might fail, but you might not. And you already know what it feel like to not try. 

I used to be a boxer. Like I trained seriously in that for a few years. I shouldn't forget that.

So many times that we look back on the past thinking, "I should have known better." We just have to remember that in the moment there are angles that we can't see, and we really are doing the best we can.

That is a question I should ask myself every morning in the mirror:
"Am I going to give my best today?" 

I think I am realizing something in my life needs to change. I need more structure. I need guidance to follow. 

It is hard to determine what is fact and what are feelings, when writing your own biography

The thing I now see about Flora and I is that there is no person to blame. There was no one person who was wrong at the end of it all. We were both right and wrong at different times, played the parent when the other needed and we loved one another. That was Love. The real thing. People can think whatever they want about her or about how I've approached the whole relationship, but you will NEVER get me to say it wasn't Love

I know about cheating. I've been on both sides of that battle.

I think it is important after a recovery that you remember that you were once a person unharmed. 

Child rapists should really be hung. The type of psychological scarring they cause is sickening. All because they're fucking selfish people. 

It's always a bit awkward when the person you're dating catches you Googling the "Overly-attached Girlfriend Meme." Even if it happened to be a pure coincidence, it's still a tough situation to explain yourself out of. 

When I show up at the moment the grocery store first opens, like I planned for that to happen, I always have to analyze my life a bit. 

A******: I think the problem is that I am honestly trying to determine if I am good for your life. Yeah. Flora really fucked me up. 

Most times I just wondered if I had affected her as she did me. I was never sure, and that was probably the problem. 

"When I go, I wish to return as a child, like how I came."

It is important to do things that fit, not because they are safe. 

Sometimes when I read articles about why Seattle is such a great city, it kinda feels like they're reaaaaalllly trying hard to convince people not to kill themselves for being from Seattle. 

One thing that I loved about the forest is that you could eat the dirt.

There was a time in my life where I would wake up and my entire day would be determined on whether or not Flora texted me that morning.

I am now seeing that in many ways the choice between staying here or going back to Brazil is very much a choice between Love and duty. 

Oh my father of healing, he came to heal. If you do not open the doors for him, the sickness will remain.

I think the reason I've been coming back to these meetings is because it makes me feel okay about my life. 

"If you want to go on a journey, you go out by yourself. But if you want to complete that journey, you invite someone onto that path." 

You know that guy where you instinctively feel, "Wow. It would NOT be cool to be friends w/ that guy." Like even to have him around, really. Like he's THAT annoying. Yeah. I've met him before. 

I think I very much know what it is like to live in a place w/ far too much empty space, filled w/ all the necessities and even luxuries of life, but be completely vapid of Love

"Forgiveness is the medicine for every relationship on earth." 

In general, I want everyone I know to be happy and healthy. It's funny. I know the formula of how to achieve happiness, but I can't seem to get it. It's pretty much being okay w/ your life. 

I've become a nicer person as I've grown older. I guess that's one good thing about aging. 

So there's this guy that I used to refer to as "Jungle Caveman". He was the type of dude that could get dirty but come out the other side clean w/o bathing. One time, he took me down the hill from church in his Mitsubishi Galant while playing techno music. People are fucking crazy. 

I'll be frank w/ you A******. I'm not sure I'm worth the trouble. 

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