Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A goodbye.

So Flora and I broke up, like for real this time. I think both us came to this realization that the presence in each other's lives is bringing more confusion than clarity (I took much longer to arrive to that realization than she did). It's like I finally understand when people say, "We're great when we're actually together, but the times when we're apart..."

The bane of the issue is her communication (or lack thereof) and my reaction to it. Basically, the communication is non-existent on her end, and I react to it like a child. I guess it's just hard to be the one always initiating the calling, texting and messaging without feeling like a complete pest. At the same time, I really do believe that she thinks about me in a dear way when we're not together, just for some people, they don't think to let the other person know through actions. That's not a criticism either, just a statement of how some people are.

I told her that we were the cause of our own problems, a very cause-and-effect/chicken-egg kind of thing. Her lack of calling is what causes my impatient behavior and my impatient behavior is what makes her not want to call me. Point is, neither one of us are good for the other at the moment and it's gotten to the point where it's affecting our lives outside the relationship.

But you know, I'm strangely not too bothered by it. I think back to our times together and smile at the memories where we shared a loving moment and were foolish enough to think it'd last forever. And at the end of the day, all the things she's given me - the good and the bad, the smiles and the cries - they've made me a better person, for my life, and I'm grateful to her for that.

It's not a good thing to grasp onto the concept of love. It is the attachment that is the problem because love is never meant to be imprisoned. It is the liberator, the ultimate power that exists in the world, and we are subject to its will. That's not to say that we always give into the outside forces that try and dictate our lives. There are certainly times to fight, but love, true love, is not one of them. Because after all this time, I've finally realized that love is not a fight; it is a flower, meant to be treated as such.

I told Flora that I'd wait for her, that the door to my heart would always remain open while I worked through my issues. She didn't like the answer. She told me that if I was meant to be hers, she wanted it to be with a free heart, that I had to be open to possibilities. That's the core difference between the two of us. I'm all about controlling your urges in protecting the one you care about most; she's more about listening to them to find that person. The truth lies somewhere between the two of us.

But overall I see what she's saying and I feel myself letting that happen. Part of me is sad about that, but another part is very excited because letting go of the fight is how you truly find love. I'm at peace with the prospect of Flora not being the one, because if it's not her, it's someone amazing that I'll meet somewhere down the road. And if it's not me for her, she'll meet that person too, cuz she deserves it, more than anyone I've known.

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