Notes from my 67th trip (Mensageiros da Cura)

One of the things I miss most about Flora is buying gifts for her. Just that feeling of buying something for someone you really love. 

Whatever is ailing me is trying to kill me. That much is true. I have felt what it feel like for an animal to go into a response that it does not want to die.

"What doesn't get a voice is fear." Fear does not get a voice. 

I want Flora to know that I miss her more than she really knows.

Q: How do you know Flora is the one? 

A: Because I had a conversation w/ someone about it.

Q: With whom?

A: With the only One that matters.

I think being labeled a "self-help" writers is the worst insult a writer can receive. 

It is really a sick and funny game imagining all the ways you can fail.

John 10 verse 30.

I used to be proud about telling Grace about my infidelities, not like I'm proud I did them, but that I had courage to face the shame. But now I question whether or not it was the right choice. Was it better that she lived in the hope that we'd end up together? Or is it better she suffered through all the lessons? I don't know. How much is the truth worth?

I want Flora to know that I saw a picture of her the other day and it made me cry.

Life is just one big test of how badly we want our dreams.

The best sparring partners I've had absolutely kicked my ass the first time we fought.

Notes from my 66th trip (Self-Transformation)

I wonder if one of the dangers of the "We are all one" type thinking is that people forget about personal responsibility.

When I think about what I do for most of my day, I say, "Panicking about my life." If I didn't panic about my life so much, I'd have a lot more time. 

So many things we can't explain about love. Maybe that's why it's so magical.

We are all looking for something true. That's it. Something that does not lie.

You know when I think about it, I didn't  really give enough concern over how Flora was doing in her life. Most of the concern was coming from a selfish place.

The truth lies in God's house. Away from all the bright lights, excitement, and sea of desires. That is what we sacrifice for the truth. We sacrifice the pursuit of adoration and all 

Me and Flora's relationship is a fucking mess. Whatever is left of it that is. It's a pile of shambles on the floor. I think the most painful thing is knowing that it can't be fixed by only one person, and me waiting around for that other person to show up.

When I think about it, I am not really a person who likes responsibility. I think the thing that got me w/ Flora is that she was something I felt I could finally be responsible for. Responsible for us.

Even if it doesn't work out w/ me and Flora, she did show me what I cared about and what I am looking for. She helped me along my way, basically.

I have no idea what other people think of me, like I literally have no clue. Like I could guess, but I suppose I know enough bad shit about me that I could see either opinion being right.

We take things for granted when they are always there. But I never took her for granted. Every moment was a deliciously beautiful blessing that I could not figure out why I deserved.

I am more arrogant that I think I am.

You know when I stop to think about it, Seattle is like this mission to seek + destroy every poisonous thing in my being while using the lessons of Brazil to assist in that mission.

Ending someone's life is an extremely cruel thing. It is ending all the possibilities of resurrection, of turning their life around. It robs the world of a story that could inspire.

That 11 yr old white girl in Missy Elliot's video is like an incredibly good example of marketing yourself and timing it perfectly.

There is something precious about devoting your life to another person, that only their eyes will stir your heart and only you truly know the angle at which they make the light dance. It is truly a divine blessing. It can also be dangerous, if not handled properly.

I have this very odd habit of being friends w/ all of my ex-girlfriends. Haha. What an asshole I must seem like.

The state of our living space is a direct reflection of what we think of ourselves.

When I stop to think about it, these past few months are the most I've ever spoken w/ my father. I wonder how much of his time + love I've taken for granted.

It's always the sweetest people that will just randomly blurt out some outrageously racist shit.

My face and attire is that of a weathered traveler who has walked alone for too long. He is of the age when he has already made his decisions and in some ways sealed his fate, whether he knows it or not. But there is a smirk in his step, because he realized that he was never alone.

When I think about Sons of Anarchy, all those guys just wanted something to care about, something to matter.

Me and Marcella have a really nice and true friendship. I'm glad I managed to not ruin that by not sleeping with her.

Commitment between people is almost pointless. It's more about the commitment you have to yourself in regards to that person.

"The Christ of the Cross stood up and forgave his enemies."

I see a bit of myself in the people I dislike. The people that disgust me, however, no. That's a whole different level of offense.

It's funny, but w/ Grace, if I would have stopped listening to the voices telling me what I should want and instead just tapped into whether or not I was happy, it could have worked out between us. We had a really nice life, Grace and I. I really messed that one up.

When I stopped talking to Flora, I thought it was about killing the love I have for her. But it's more about knowing the truth, about finding what is love and what is addiction. What remains over time is love.

Everything lost can be recovered if sought after w/ enough ernest belief.

It's all about removing the obstacles that are in the way of service.

The taxi ride to the airport w/ Flora, holding her hand, the last time I physically saw her, physically felt her. I never wanted that moment to end.

The Little Prince

One night when Flora and I were waiting for the bus, she asked me, "Have you ever read The Little Prince?"

I told her I hadn't. Truth be told, this convesation first happened over the phone, but it works better for the story to put it here now. Either way, the topic came up and that's what matters.

"Well, can I tell you about the Prince and the Fox?"

I told her she could. She then went into telling me how out of all the relationships in the story, that was the most profound one. That was the one friendship that the Prince did not want to end and that he left with sadness because of the departure from friendship. I asked her how she would feel in a situation like that. She told me, "Well if I was the Fox, I'd fold myself into a suitcase and travel with the Prince." I laughed out of relief because the scenario reminded me so much of what we were living.

As her bus pulled up, she then said to me:

"The reason the Fox and the Prince were such good friends is because they were responsible for each other's feelings. So I'm responsible for your feelings, and you're responsible for mine." She tapped her heart with her hand and then pressed the same hand against mine. With that, she zoomed off into the dark city streets.

The moment she said those words, she had me. I was hers. And I haven't betrayed her since.

Notes from my 65th trip (Light of Christ)

You ever get to that point in life where you ask yourself, "how did I get here?" That is what I ask myself everyday. I mean I consider myself a pretty diligent person. I could be better, but I try. I try honestly. I do everyday w/ a sincere intention of bettering myself, but I can't get it to work. It's like flipping on a light switch and standing in the darkness, in confusion, to why it didn't work.

I live in a very, very strange world.

How difficult it is for people to admit they are human.

Are we all not just looking for something that lasts forever?

I think it is always important to remember that whatever mistakes that you have made in the past, that at the time when they happened, you were doing as best as you knew given all that you had learned up until that point.

"We really don't know what calls someone away." 

I know hundred upon thousands upon millions of people have passed through this earth, but I want you to know Dennis, that goddamn, you mattered. See you on the other side brother.

I think it is an important lesson to learn that often reality can turn out to be the exact opposite of our expectations.

It's when you can't sleep, where then do you run?

The sad part of a relationship is when the words no longer matter. The binding principle they once had to something true begins to fade. They revert back to words.

Sandra, it is important you remember that you, at the center of your heart, are the one in command. You tell these thoughts to stay or go. You choose what to believe and what to disregard. You are in the driver's seat. Never for get that.

Meeting people who have never been hurt is just kind of a bland experience.

I used to get upset at Flora for breaking promises, but now that I am living the consequences of mine, I begin to wonder if I too am a liar.

I truly believe that everyone, at some point, is on the bring of collapse from beneath their fingertips.

I think the reason I am afraid to see my cousin is because he is someone that used to believed so fully in the worlds that I may no longer believe.

Haley. If his heart broke anywhere near the proximity of how my heart has been broken, it is not easy to put it all back together. It is not easy to just 'figure it out'. When you feel that the world has collapsed onto your chest, it imprisons you. It is hard to move. I mean physically hard to move. We can't make sense of anything, let alone our own lives. Just be kind to that.

How you truly feel about someone will be shown in the absence.

Life will put a brother at your post when you need it. Have faith in that.

I feel like my life is a complete mess, a compilation of unfinished projects and half-hearted attempts. Lies to myself, basically. I think when we recognize our role in being fed lies, then we can change.

It is important to be grateful for the moment as you are living it.

It's not really about coming up w/ something new. It's more about saying it at the right time. Therein lies the artistry.

All the things where we say to ourselves, "I wish I would have started this earlier." Shouldn't we be equally thankful that we found it at all?

The destination sought after every journey is back to our own heart.

Ceu da Divinas Aguas, The Heaven of the Divine Waters. Hell yeah.

I dedicated myself to Flora, knowing full-well that I was not guaranteed to receive in return what I would give. It's probably something I should have through about more at the time. Oh well. It's already done. 

A brief lesson in Jiu-Jitsu

So I was sparring with my teammate Jay the other morning. Jay is like this bigass Seattle sheriff who is a purple belt and a former black belt in karate, so with the advantage in weight, experience and skill, he handled me pretty easily. There was this one moment where he trapped me in an armbar and I instinctually tapped.

He then said, "No no no. Can you still move?"

I could and told him as much.

"Then escape."

I rolled over my arm and pulled it out, somehow got sideguard, but he flipped me over and mounted me. He then quickly went for a keylock and I tapped once he set position.

"No, I haven't got it yet," he said. "Keep moving."

The rest of the session played out like that. Jay would be a few micro-movements from breaking my arm off, but would hold off at the last second. After picking up on the pattern, I would escape, get locked back in, then escape again. It wasn't the funnest rolling session.

Afterwards Jay came up to me in the locker room and explained his approach.

"You know, a lot of times in Jiu-Jitsu, we get conditioned into giving up once we recognize the position we're in. But don't let it become a habit," he started. "I mean stop if you're going get hurt. You can always start over. But don't stop just because you recognize the position. Don't give up. Escape and fight back, for as long as you can."

Notes from my 64th trip (Light of Christ)

All that matters to me now is whether or not I am still on my path.

There are so many emotions to be aware of on this journey.

Feeling sorry for yourself is a very dangerous trap to fall into.

I would say 'yes', at the present moment, all of my problems are tied back to Flora.

It's hard for me to describe Flora. Beautiful is the obvious choice, b/c she is physically appealing. But she is beautiful in every single way she is, and every sing way that word means.

There has to be orderly preparation for the chaos for the self-destruction.

I think my goal as a writer is to capture what people don't understand in themselves.

Given my life, I am a confused person, the cure of it is that I've never wanted to take responsibility. And I know how to talk.

For the first time, I think my ability to manipulate words is actually holding me back.

I don't know why I became a writer. I guess I just wanted to call myself something. It is an empty title.

The way you earn a patch from a gym is that you just show up. 

It's unfortunate that people find a job in reaction to the world's tragedies.

What is my opinion doesn't matter? What if I am a nobody?

"Light is knowledge w/in my heart. Light is understanding w/in my heart." 

There are some things we do to stop from being our best selves. Some part of us is scared of that person. Absolutely terrified. 

Take responsibility.

The return is to the mother. The end journey is to the mother.

I am trying to recover my pride.

I am such a fucking mess right now. Everyday I wake up and absolutely hate the person in the mirror. There is no love for him. And that's the problem.

What am I supposed to aspire towards? Who am I supposed to look up to?

I am afraid of becoming a story for the next man.

Flora is the one, I know that more than any truth I've read, and I still believe in that now. I guess my only option is to do my best to convince her of the same.

How well can you navigate the terrain of a broken heart?

It is not easy for me to write about Flora. Part of me does it hoping she will read it. To let her know that I still love her, that I'm still in love w/ her. That I want to be her everything, and her to be mine. But I know this is a large part of my problem. But I guess I just wanted her to know, that even after all the shit, this is what remains, that is what is true. 

Notes from my 63rd trip (Mass)

The problem with Flora and I was that we always fell for each other's trap.

I kinda want to lightly punch Flora on the shoulder, like "That hurt, you jerk." 

This heartache is trying to destroy me, devour me. But I'm finding a way to say no. I'm still here.

                                                       She was in the shadows too.

It's when you just know. Like you throw out the scale you created over the years, you let down your defenses, give into the fears, and just go. Because when someone ask you how she makes you feel you can't think of anything else to say but "HEAVENLY!"

I know I am getting older b/c I am staring to recognize + accept the life of my father.