Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Notes from my 66th trip (Self-Transformation)

I wonder if one of the dangers of the "We are all one" type thinking is that people forget about personal responsibility.

When I think about what I do for most of my day, I say, "Panicking about my life." If I didn't panic about my life so much, I'd have a lot more time. 

So many things we can't explain about love. Maybe that's why it's so magical.

We are all looking for something true. That's it. Something that does not lie.

You know when I think about it, I didn't  really give enough concern over how Flora was doing in her life. Most of the concern was coming from a selfish place.

The truth lies in God's house. Away from all the bright lights, excitement, and sea of desires. That is what we sacrifice for the truth. We sacrifice the pursuit of adoration and all 

Me and Flora's relationship is a fucking mess. Whatever is left of it that is. It's a pile of shambles on the floor. I think the most painful thing is knowing that it can't be fixed by only one person, and me waiting around for that other person to show up.

When I think about it, I am not really a person who likes responsibility. I think the thing that got me w/ Flora is that she was something I felt I could finally be responsible for. Responsible for us.

Even if it doesn't work out w/ me and Flora, she did show me what I cared about and what I am looking for. She helped me along my way, basically.

I have no idea what other people think of me, like I literally have no clue. Like I could guess, but I suppose I know enough bad shit about me that I could see either opinion being right.

We take things for granted when they are always there. But I never took her for granted. Every moment was a deliciously beautiful blessing that I could not figure out why I deserved.

I am more arrogant that I think I am.

You know when I stop to think about it, Seattle is like this mission to seek + destroy every poisonous thing in my being while using the lessons of Brazil to assist in that mission.

Ending someone's life is an extremely cruel thing. It is ending all the possibilities of resurrection, of turning their life around. It robs the world of a story that could inspire.

That 11 yr old white girl in Missy Elliot's video is like an incredibly good example of marketing yourself and timing it perfectly.

There is something precious about devoting your life to another person, that only their eyes will stir your heart and only you truly know the angle at which they make the light dance. It is truly a divine blessing. It can also be dangerous, if not handled properly.

I have this very odd habit of being friends w/ all of my ex-girlfriends. Haha. What an asshole I must seem like.

The state of our living space is a direct reflection of what we think of ourselves.

When I stop to think about it, these past few months are the most I've ever spoken w/ my father. I wonder how much of his time + love I've taken for granted.

It's always the sweetest people that will just randomly blurt out some outrageously racist shit.

My face and attire is that of a weathered traveler who has walked alone for too long. He is of the age when he has already made his decisions and in some ways sealed his fate, whether he knows it or not. But there is a smirk in his step, because he realized that he was never alone.

When I think about Sons of Anarchy, all those guys just wanted something to care about, something to matter.

Me and Marcella have a really nice and true friendship. I'm glad I managed to not ruin that by not sleeping with her.

Commitment between people is almost pointless. It's more about the commitment you have to yourself in regards to that person.

"The Christ of the Cross stood up and forgave his enemies."

I see a bit of myself in the people I dislike. The people that disgust me, however, no. That's a whole different level of offense.

It's funny, but w/ Grace, if I would have stopped listening to the voices telling me what I should want and instead just tapped into whether or not I was happy, it could have worked out between us. We had a really nice life, Grace and I. I really messed that one up.

When I stopped talking to Flora, I thought it was about killing the love I have for her. But it's more about knowing the truth, about finding what is love and what is addiction. What remains over time is love.

Everything lost can be recovered if sought after w/ enough ernest belief.

It's all about removing the obstacles that are in the way of service.

The taxi ride to the airport w/ Flora, holding her hand, the last time I physically saw her, physically felt her. I never wanted that moment to end.

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