Sunday, June 15, 2014

Notes from my 31st trip (Santo Antonio)

Sometimes you want to curl up next to a human body because you think the contact will somehow shield you from the inevitable storm. It's as if holding someone makes things less real, makes pain hurt less.

I am realizing that I am not wasting my time here. 
I never was.

There is a certain holiness in being grateful for everything.

Life is not easy. Sometimes we just need some goddamn help.

There are only a few moments where I truly know peace.

I feel people's suffering. That's why this whole thing is so goddamn hard.

Helping other people helps the person that is helping.

It's a son of a bitch when the opponent your facing rips apart the emblem of your beliefs so easily, as if it was nothing, and you are forced to start over.

All the problems that you were given were given to you for a reason. They are your fight. Your chance at training well.

I don't lie to Flora. That is one thing I do not do to her.

Just being alive is fucking insane.

I kind of feel like all our efforts, no matter in what expression, are just done in hopes of connecting w/ God.

I think part of Flora is just scared in being in love w/ me. And I've been kind of mean about it.

It is a sneaky thing when you understand why another person likes hanging out around you.

A master of words is like any other master. The whole thing is about "catch" and "release".

I am very afraid of losing Flora. I do my best at working on the personal defenses apart from her. But without her I know they will crumble. Without her I am lost.

Jiu-Jitsu is such a strange thing. It gives you the ability to physically separate your body in many ways.

I kind of feel that in all the real friendships I've developed throughout my life, the base foundation of all of them was respect.

Now I get why some people love telling stories, love being heard, being recognized. 

This whole fucking thing is like a war, isn't it?

Some people depend on seeing you everyday. 
When they're gone, that's hard.

If I'm to be completely honest, I haven't thrown away all my insurance cards in regards to Flora. There's a part of me that's afraid of being all-in, as well.

In telling her stories of my life, I am learning about myself.

You know I feel like when you are in love, you are in such a blinding whirlwind of emotions that I think all of them, all of the times you have been in love, are just experiments to see which one will finally give you a vision.

The beauty in which a deck of playing cards can bring.

I have enough books in my apartment to drive a man crazy.

I would say w/ honesty that my everyday disposition is of a person who is on a mission.

The reason I use simple passwords is because people don't think the answer is in the obvious.

Just because someone has done wrong things in the past does not negate them from having the other emotions in very honest ways.

I've learned kindness, forgiveness and sadness in Brazil. I also know what it is to be extremely angry.

Love is the greatest adventure of all. 
It will teach you everything.

Flora always "gets it" at some point. That is what I like about her.

Sometimes when you meet someone who is of your same tribe, you think to yourself, "Wow. There are other crazy fucking people in this world." 

You know you're a real writer when you start proclaiming the title w/ this strange mix of pride and reluctance. 

One of the hardest things about being an artist is deciding what stays and what goes.

The fear w/ love comes in its ability to hurt as much as it heals.

Sometimes I give a prayer and a sigh of relief after I've revised the day and concluded: 
"Okay. No major breakdowns today." 

I am learning how to be there for someone.

The entire fight is about not succumbing to the darkness.

There are some things to explain, some things to feel.

At times I think both me and Flora need to be more responsible.

When you are in love, you understand all languages.

I feel like the whole purpose of being hurt is to learn how to protect people from that same hurt in the future.

Sometimes in a relationship you do things that the other person will never fully appreciate. You guard them from certain doors, because you know there is nothing good behind them.

I've determined, being in love is emotional suicide. 

People confuse "ego" for "confidence", too often.

Those moments where you begin to doubt WHO YOU ARE. 
Those are terrifying.

Sometimes I feel like all writing is is a way to organize your thoughts. Because if all you had were thoughts, w/ no direction, that will drive you mad.

It is those thing things that disgust you to the core of your being, an offense to all of your beliefs. Those things call you out to fight.

If you're not willing to defend your position, you don't deserve to have it.

It's like anytime you think it's a good idea to consider everyone a victim, some snarky gay guy will write a brilliant article that goes viral and embarrasses the hell out of you beyond recovery. It's better to kill the idea from its inception.

When someone takes a seat because they are truly in need of a rest, I respect that. When someone does it because they are lazy, I want to kick them in the face.

There are many ways to do the same action. Most of the difference lies in the choice between love and fear.

Flora is the key to everything. That is why I've been so offended by anything that gets in the way of that union. But she's been teaching me how to be kinder about it. 

1 comment:

Johny Lima said...

Great, my friend. I share lots of your thoughts.
I'm learning a lot from pain and sorrow.

Yesterday the master showed to me that many of our brothers and sisters are not evil, but only still blind in their hearts.
As the Christ said: "... They don't know what they are doing."

We need to do a huge inner work to throw away the shadows of ignorance about our true nature.

Then we'll be free from all fear, all pain, all sorrow, all doubts. And death shall have no more dominion upon us.