Monday, May 11, 2015

Notes from my 75th trip (Cura)

Don't base your present moment entirely on your past experiences. It is reference material. Sure. But not the whole thing.

I guess the thing I am most proud about w/ my meager accomplishments in boxing and jiu-jitsu, is that I had to earn them. You can't buy trophies and belts, not the real ones, anyway. And having money helps, it frees up your time to train, but the crux of that payment is made up of blood, sweat, and tears.

I can actually say that I was was one of the fighters of the Bumblebee Boxing Club, like not someone who trained there for a few months, but like one of the fighters. There was an era I was part of. If you are tuned into fighting or Seattle history, that is fucking dope.

Being a fight journalist is about being aware of everything that happens in a given environment, all the time. 
You're never off the clock, basically.

Breaking up w/ Flora was, in this strange way, like being thrown into a diamond shaped glass prison where I wanted to break the walls down by yelling at them. The way I freed myself was by sitting still and being silent. 

I am really afraid of confronting myself sometimes.

Life is like a giant puzzle that is laid out before us. The challenge of living is just trying to find the answer. But I tell you what. Only the puzzles that we can handle are given to us.

I look at my heartbreak w/ Flora as armor I needed for the journey ahead. But I still argue, part of me still isn't here.

I totally get why some people don't go after their dreams. I totally get it. And that should make us that much more fed up w/ the systems that are keeping us imprisoned. 

If I am to be completely honest, there is a large part of me that very much wants to hurt Flora's feelings.

I am very much a living example of someone letting life happen to them.

James, you really need to write that book.

I am sorry if I've ever been "too much" for someone's liking. Still learning boundaries.

Life is boundless. At the same time, there are certain boundaries that are not meant to be crossed.

People need to let go of that notion that they have lived this crazy life as if it's never been done. It's really annoying. It cheapens writing.

At the same time, I always wonder how much my criticism of other people are really criticisms about myself.

There are plenty of mornings in the past 6 months where I've awoken and the first thought I had was, "This again?"

"I am with you and never consider myself dead." 

Dude, Clayton. I will miss you brother. What happened to you wasn't fair. 

When governments begin treating their soldiers like pieces to be moved on a board, they should be thrown into prison

Flora put me through some really torturous shit and I am struggling to find the forgiveness in my heart.

"My tears are my only knowledge for I've forgotten who I am." 

I think the thing I loved about Rio is that there were so many bold statements being made on how to live life. 

Sometimes you ask the worth of your manhood and you are sitting there on a used green bicycle in the middle of traffic in Rio de Janeiro. Sometimes that happens. 

I guess one of my deepest fears is for Flora to become a nameless, faceless carcass in the world of meatpacking. But she's smarter than that.

And then this too, returns to me as a gift. 

You have to accept that a lot of what you and Flora was not good for you, and you need to let go of it. What remains after that is the true definition of how much you love her. 

I am really impressed w/ people who are in sincere and honest, happy marriages.

I will write poems one day. You can count on me for that.

I just realized something. Writers talk a lot. 

When someone tells me they believe someone is "good people", solely based on because I said so, that means something to me.

I am the son of the Queen of the Dark Moon
I am the Prince of Fire and Earth.

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