A few instances of jealousy

• One time we were laying in bed and we were talking about what we liked about each other, things that we noticed. When she tried to describe me, she got a bit tangled. I was Asian, but not like Asian Asian, cuz I was American too. But I wasn't really American either, at least not like the ones she's met in the past. After stumbling around her thoughts for a few seconds, she sort of blurted out, "I dunno, you're like kinda Latin!" The way she said "Latin" had this undertone of disgust, but not disgust as in disgusting, more like something she would have to worry about, that I knew how to move and women are always attracted to men who can move. It made me blush and feel confident at the same time. And I also liked that she was worried about my ability to attract the opposite sex, cuz too often it was the other way around.

• There was this one time we were on the subway going to meet a couple of friends who lived a few hours away. I remember we struggled waking up from a nap, almost considered canceling and staying in. But we eventually dragged ourselves to the Metro, dazed and barely awake. I held her in the middle of the train, so closely, like she was composed of this infinite stardust that would scatter if I didn't hold on tightly enough. I knew at that moment that if she was the last woman I'd ever love, I would have won the game. And she held me the same way. Two seats opened up. There was a seat by the door, then a seat adjacent to another seat, which was occupied by this really attractive woman. I walked toward the seats and just KNEW to take the one by the door, no thought, just fluid reaction, like a martial art you practice for decades until it becomes second nature. When that woman left, she leaned in and said, "You made the right choice by not sitting next to that woman." I smiled.

• We were at a bus stop waiting for the 387 and this cute young girl walked up and sat down next to us. She was wearing a black halter top, blue jeans and had her hair tied in two braided ponytails. As she sat, she sort of gave me a once over, up and down, then did it again. There must have been a certain look in her eyes because shortly after the girl left, she said to me, "All these women look at you, and not just cuz you look different, it's like in all possible ways, like even sexual!!! No...I don't like it, no." Then she sort of crossed her arms and was semi-upset with me, even though I hadn't done anything. For some strange reason, I felt more secure that she felt threatened. Not because I would use it against her, I just hoped that it would one day mean that much more to her when she realized that really, I only cared about her, no matter how anyone else looked at me. 

• The first time I came back to the United States, I went under an pretty intense study of chado tea making. I'd attend three-hour long classes learning how to make, serve and receive Japanese tea. I practiced it twice a day, once in the morning, once in the afternoon. For those three months, I took it pretty damn seriously and even "performed" at the Seattle Art Museum on one occasion. There were times where I'd even hang out with my instructors and classmates, who happened to be these two sweet Japanese grandmothers. Before the class ended, I took a picture with them and sent it to her. She laughed with approval. "Good! You should do even more! You know knitting? You spend your weekends knitting with them, all the time!" I laughed and asked if she was joking, more in a rhetorical way than anything else. She sort of wavered on a response and finally said, "I mean...kinda?"

• I used to run for 6 miles along the beach, just about everyday. It would take me 45 mins or so, and at some point I always had to take off my shirt. She saw me from the window one time when I was walking back to my apartment. She said there was a woman who looked at me a certain way and that it was a good thing I didn't pay it any attention. She said that if she had a bow and arrow, she would have shot that woman in the head had she spoken to me, then did an air motion of drawing a bow and releasing the arrow, all the while having this creepy-ass smile on her face. I was both terrified and more in love at the same time.