Notes from my 72nd trip (Concentration)

When something is destroyed, it is rebuilt more carefully the second time, aware now of what can break it.

In those moments of despair that seem to last forever, I just want to say that it does not last forever. Nothing does really. Everything changes.

Learning about yourself is a painful process.

It's interesting how easily laughing can turn into crying. And vice versa.

I know what it is to be emotionally unstable.

You have resurrected yourself.

In some ways I'm more faithful to Flora than I was before, which is ridiculously bat-shit fucking stupid. But I don't decide this shit.

A lot of art is just about finding the pieces in your life and putting them in the right order, at the right time.

Sometimes just having a friend to be there, w/ time to converse w/ you, is the greatest gift you could receive.

It is a big decision to become someone's mate. It means that you are in care of another person and all their complications. I feel like people make that decision too lightly, nowadays.

I pretty much realized that I play for keeps.

When you truly receive the authority of the divine order, there is not a place on this earth that can deny you entry.

I think to a certain degree, even the most morally corrupt pig-fuckers (thanks Jonathan) don't even know their true intentions. Some of them are even maniacal enough to think they are doing good in the world.

Most famous people are dickbags in real life.

The failure of most artists is that they lacked the integrity to the art in which they practiced. 

My general rule to life is the following: Anything can happen.

At the end of the day, I don't know what Flora remembers or doesn't remember about our relationship so I should stop torturing myself into trying to figure it out.

My time in LA consisted of the following: writing, shooting photos, talking to fighters, going to fights, getting a tattoo, driving through the remnants of skid row, flirting with women at the Scientology center, hanging out with misfits, talking about heartbreak, then going to church. That more or less sums up all the activities of my life, at the current moment.

I remember one time I was arguing w/ Flora and she said something like, "I know I make a lot of errors..." She was almost crying at that point. I grabbed her hand, looked straight in her eyes and told her w/ everything I believed in, "Everyone makes mistakes." She said, "I know a lot of people make errors..." I cut her off and said, "Everyone. Flora, everyone. Remember that." It was strange b/c I went from arguing w/ her to supporting her, but when push comes to shove, where it really matters, I am on her side. Always.

You should always have an intention behind your words. Don't go around saying stupid hurtful shit if you don't have a reason to do so.

I can say w/ confidence that I know how to care for another person. Or well, it matters whether or not I am capable of doing so. How's that?

All of this has been about evolving the love I have for Flora.

There is no guarantee that this will get easier. In fact, it will get harder, but you will become stronger. That's the trade.

Notes from my 71st trip (Concentration)

It is difficult to heal from a wound because some part of you identifies with being continually hurt. It's almost as if you don't want to say goodbye to the pain.

You are too attached to planned routes.

You need to stop spending your days like they are loose change at the bottom of your pocket b/c they will run out one day.

This entire time in Seattle was/is about bringing back from Brazil what needed to be killed, resurrected and transformed.

You need to return to Brazil, but not for Flora, not even for yourself. It is for your mission.

It is when you confront something so frightening that you question if your faith, if everything you've ever believed in, is enough to carry you through. these are the moments that test your faith. 

Flora once brought me to her grandmother's house by motorcycle. That is why I loved that girl.

A lot of the time I wonder how pornstars handle their own lives. 

It's such a crazy, fucked-up spectacle. 

Being a writer and being a fighter are so similar that it's down-right fucking creepy.

This pain. We are meant to receive pain. Our challenge is how we transform it.

It's not really so much that Brazilians are impolite, it's more like that elderly grandmother on the subway would rather stand cuz she's that fucking tough.

I think one thing I always found a bit odd about Desirée is that she liked black licorice. Like we pulled into a gas station and with all her free will she bought a box of 'Good-n-Plenty'. 

Understand that when you fight someone, you are testing their definition of what it means to be a man.

I'm beginning to feel like I write more about fighting than I actually fight.

You need to stop trying to predict what it's going to be like going back to Brazil.

This time in Seattle has been incredibly fucking horrible. Part of me really died here. But I did always have someone there when I really needed it. I guess you could say that I really came to understand what suffering is. I thank every single one of you for being at your post when I needed you. Know that you can always count on me to return the favor.

I am so fucking sick of these YouTube videos showing how crappy people are when they eat, then show them giving a pizza or some burgers to a homeless man and him sharing it afterwards, ending on a quote like, "Those who have LESS give MORE". I mean yes, good message that needs to be spread, but there begins a point where it is painfully obvious you are really trying to market your brand or have people think you're a "good person" as opposed to staying true to the original principle. 

You really learn how to distinguish people when you realize that when you argue w/ them, you are able to determine whether it is constructive or just annoying.

The path has already been made. You just need to walk it.

This entire episode in Seattle has been Me testing your faith. 

God appears through the smallest cracks.

I was placed in the row of misfits today, and when I told the guy next to me about it, he said, "It's where I always fit anyways." 

"I guess life is about punishment." 

It is truly a compliment when you occupy the thoughts of a beloved.

It is important to have a place you can always return to and remember who you are.

It is when there is no other escape, where sleep does not offer any more refuge, is when you fight. You live or you die.

It's when you turn the next page and it's blank. Like WTF?

What picture are you going to paint with your life?

Notes from my 70th trip (Work with Paulo Roberto)

As a photojournalist, I think the point of the entire thing is that you are giving thanks for how your subject has lived their life.

What we are fighting against is unbridled competition, the attitudes that have created this fucked up machine of suffering. We are basically trying to make the world understand that we really are in this together. That is the fight. That is the battle.

Flora. Don't forget the words that I told you. A lot of it was crazy shit I was working through, but there were moments when I was just trying to help you on your journey. They're there. You just have to find them.

We have been given what we have been given for a reason. It is for the story we are to tell to the world, to teach the world. Our challenge is to master it and not have it master us. That is the point of this whole thing. There is a reason.

I think a large part of recovery is to stop telling yourself and others that you are doing shitty when someone asks you, "How have you been?" 

I spend way too much time w/ myself.

I know this may appear very unhealthy and regressive, but I am still unreasonable faithful to Flora. it's almost as if everyone who is telling me to treat it like any other relationship is just a challenge for me to prove my love for her. I don't know. It guess we'll see what happens.

A lot of my life philosophy is embedded to my relationship w/ Flora.

How do you deal w/ all the emotions to preserve your integrity? You preserve your integrity and you will be given the grace of God. Then all will be provided. 

Follow your heart, follow your heart, follow your heart. 

The mind is meant to assist, but it is the heart that guides.

Sometimes I feel that law school is just this crazy mind-fuck maze of searching for true justice.

Passing on the advancements of temptation b/c you have a commitment to another is a sign of strength. Giving into them is weakness. It is spelled out that crudely and simply as that.

I think the reason I stopped watching porn, or at least am in the process of stopping, is the moment I started noticing that I felt like a worthless dirtbag after I masturbated. 

"Hallucination is very different from vision. Almost the opposite." 

We are much more magnificent beings than society leads us to believe.

Your life will be taken care of, but only if you work. That is what I have learned. 

Notes from my 69th trip (Work with Padrinho Paulo Roberto)

There comes a certain point in life where you need to make a decision, and choose what kind of person you're going to be.

I feel like I've been given a very difficult puzzle that I can't figure out.

Following a path is an incredible act of faith.

You cannot hide from being alive. You cannot run from the fact you have a duty. 

Notes from my 68th trip (Work of José Rosa)

If Flora just said that she wanted me to go back to Brazil, I would go.

When your heart is broken, your body no longer does what you tell it to do. It is the strangest sensation, living apart from half of yourself.

I used to feel like the son of sons, blessed by the wings of the sun. Now I feel hopeless, lost, like it has all ben taken away for a reason that I can't seem to figure out.

I think the moment I fell in love w/ Desirée is when she told me that the highest form of love is friendship. But I fell in love w/ Flora before we said anything meaningful to each other. The eyes, it was the eyes.

I think I've been walking around w/ my broken heart on my sleeve. People can tell something is off. I basically came home a wounded version of myself.

I don't think there was one time where my parents got to see what I am like completely happy. How sad.

Desirée guided me out of the trenches of a broken heart much like a mother guides a lost child.

How ridiculously arrogant you must be to have a ring-name like "The Alien". You are basically saying that there are not words on this planet that have the capacity to define you. 

I'm sad b/c I am no longer the fighter I once was. When I look at old videos and photos, I don't know where that person went. It is like they are too distant to reclaim.

If you live your life like it is meant to be lived, everything will be provided for you. You have to trust in that.

I don't think people fully understand why someone would show up to the gym everyday, wake up and run at 5 in the morning, or endure an excruciatingly cruel diet. They are refusing to die, do you understand? That is what a fighter is. It is when a person decided to take control of their fate.

You know what it is? I just want to be desired again, sought after. I want to be missed by someone.

A profound lesson I learned tonight is that it is always better to work in the light than it is to wander in the darkness without responsibility. 

I think a large part of why I am back in Seattle is to properly close the relationship Desirée and I had.

It is easy to lay down in the arms of comfort and fall asleep. 

What is easy can kill you.