Notes from my 62nd trip (King's Day)

I can no longer remember what it feels like to be excited for something.

The taste of food taken from you, the desire to care for your body, the luster for anything meaningful in life; all gone. I'd say that's how the last two months of my life has been. Yeah. I know what it feels like basically.

The silence of scary. The unknown.

I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from all of this.

I am afraid to return to Brazil.

I cannot tell you your Destiny.
Fate bends at your will.
I can only tell you what I see
and leaec you with the decisions.

It is painful when you realize that you are not a strong person.

I know all of the things I shouldn't do. Look at pictures. Watch the videos. Read through the messages. But I do it anyways, like a broke man spending his last pennies on booze. Just to have one last look at when he was safe.

Grace gave you everything, and you betrayed her. This is the price of your sins.

I am like a space pod that has crash landed on a foreign planet. I don't know where I am. I've run out of gas and am still stuck in the state of disbelief that I can go no further. A hand reaches out for my survival. Can I trust it?

Everyday I am hoping for something new to arrive. You can imagine the despair in my mind when I learned that it is possible to throw away an entire day.

When I read artists profiles that say, "he was destroyed by love." I can't help but relate.

Sometimes I don't know why I am blessed to have someone like Desirée in my life.

I've given myself plenty of peptalks in the shower, watched every possible motivational video on the Internet. But I have nothing. I'm done. And I don't know what to do.

I suppose, as much as we are to learn of the things we love, we are also meant to know of their loss.

It is taking me a long time to heal from this sickness.

I've been in a place like this before. Where everything is dark and hopeless. I always managed to do something ridiculous like training to be a boxer or go learn jiu-jitsu 6 days a week. I don't know how I did any of it, but I'd probably be dead if I didn't.

The true essence of martial arts is that it extends our lease on life in this world.

What a fucked up life I've created for myself.