Looking for Light

For as long as I can recall, I've been in this constant battle in defining the concept of "happiness". I would say I'm "happy" maybe 10% of my life, depending on what standard of evaluation one uses. The other 90% is an oscillation between depression and confusion, an unsure stance on whether to adhere to a majority perception of the emotion or to live by an independent standard.

I suppose the definition of "happiness" I employ refers to the heart lifting sensation of the chest, the increased bloodflow through the body's circulation that sometimes gets misinterpreted for a bout of inspiration. Truth be told, a lot of "happiness" is a mere change in the bio-chemical balances in our bodies, not necessarily an abstract concept we struggle to subjectively define.

Instead what I think matters is the source in which we generate the hybrid sensation of physical and metaphysical state-of-being. I'm starting to realize that the majority of "happiness" has been dependent on the external. Career goals, relationships, material possessions, whatever.

I've been trying hard to cultivate happiness within. That isn't to say there isn't use of the external objects that make our lives easier, but the problem lies in the dependence of these things. I always wonder how I would be if all these things were stripped away from me. Would my integrity still be there? Would I still be the person I claim I am? That's the real test. Who a person is at their core.

Finding that core is half the battle, sometimes, it's the entire battle. It's almost like standing right in front of your darkness and not turning away. Thinking this time that you have enough strength, maybe not to fight, but at least enough not to flee. You start thinking that all your previous defeats were merely stepping stones in the lesson plan and suddenly, you have no more regrets. It's like a shower to wash the grime. Everything was meant to happen. Everything had its purpose.

Once you go under the demon's wing, you better be prepared. You better have that resistive instinct salivating at its teeth, ready to fight and rebel against the beckoning call of night. Because whoever comes out of that battle will be a different person. It'll be that who defines you. And afterward you won't even know the whole thing happened.