We are complex beings. We are complicated organisms designed with forces simultaneously pushing and pulling against each other. If I had to sum up what I learned about life during this last trip, I would say that the point was to order all those energies into one direction, and plow through without fear or regard.
The decisions will not end. The unanswerable questions of "what if" or "what could have been" will not cease at any particular time, but rather life is about having confidence in your decisions and living with the choices we make. I suppose the hardest part is truly realizing what you want or where you "should" be. Yes, there are always the signs, but in the end, we create our own fate. WE are the ones that decide which path to take. Those seemingly random occurrences only guide us there. Ultimately, it is our decision to listen or not.
So this trip has really been about two things: Choices and sacrifices. With each choice comes a consequences and going through life is simply an intricate balance of knowing what you want and measuring what choices will get you there and which ones won't. The heartbreaking revelation is that you can't do it all. Sooner or later life splits your passions and aspiration into separate paths. You have to give one up for the other. But I guess that's the beautiful ugliness of it all. You benefit from the sacrifices of yourself and from that, I think, is how parts of you literally help yourself grow.
I can't say I've felt productive these past 5 months. In fact, most of the time was spent agonizing over which decisions to make, where I was going or where I could have gone. Contemplation over lost time is truly the biggest mistake of my life. But they say misery is a fire that destroys and purifies. Somewhere at the end of all this there is a lesson to be learned. And I have to consider myself lucky. I've had the opportunity to realize this and still have enough youth and energy to do this thing right.
There is always time to do this thing right.