Notes from my 88th trip (Cura)

This is going to sound like horrible, useless writing advice, but the only reason I got as far as I have is because I believed in what I was doing and stuck to it. 

I am in love w/ redemption, the stories of those who pick up the shambles and find the courage to put themselves back together. I'm in love w/ the comeback kid, and that's basically why I write about boxing.

You've been looking for a manual to live life, as if there is a right brand to follow in life. The truth is there is no manual, no right way, no brand. You have to create your own way of living life that is to be original. 

Cultural appropriation is not only offensive, wrong, insulting and all the other things that describe bad, it is just plain fucking annoying too.
















I read some stuff that I wrote 5 years ago and I literally want to punch that person in the face.

I think one of my new goals is to have my father understand me before he goes. 

Be gentle w/ yourself, especially during the mistakes. 

Every morning is a new negotiation. Every single justification in the world comes to talk me out of my morning routine. I'm too tired, rigidity is going to make me stale, over-training is bad an actually contra to progress, but I do it anyway. And I'm glad that I do.

Abandoned children remind their birth parents of the shame in abandoning their children, so they shun them further, running from the problems. The ones who suffers is the child. They are probably the only ones I'd call victims. Born w/o a chance.

Institutions that know how to appeal to what people are seeking, out of desperation, but then not have any substance behind their structure, those are the sworn enemies of my life.

Life is not about giving into the darkness, the voices that tell you it is hopeless. Life is about ignoring those voices.

I think I'm addicted to comeback stories. Addicted to Redemption. How ironic.

There are many times I fell in love w/ Desirée, but one of the first happened in West Seattle. We started by having brunch at Luna Park, an option she chose when I asked if she wanted low-key or fancy $100 brunch on the waterfront. I knew the moment she chose. We shared an Elvis Burger, a hamburger w/ peanut butter + bananas, which actually isn't that bad when you try it. There was one of those table jukeboxes, so I asked to change 2 dollars and had tunes running throughout. She picked half of them. We splurged that day - had burger, fries, a cinnamon roll and a coke. Even ice cream while walking down Alki. It was one of the first times I remember being happy. We spoke about a variety of things, not much that I can remember, but it was filling, purposeful. As we sat on the beach facing the water, she rested her head against my shoulders. It was a true example of peace. I realized then that this is what I wanted out of life, maybe not w/ her, it wasn't to be known yet, but she pointed me in the right direction. That is how I will always view Desirée. As a guide. My North Star.

Half of life is finding out who your partner is. The other half is trying to convince them that they are your partner. 

How dedicated I am to Flora still is really ridiculous, irrational and kind of pathetic. I do everything I can to forget her. But she's still there, as present as ever. My feelings for her have literally not shifted one bit in the slightest. I don't really know what to do, but at the same time, all this should also tell me something.

Being a grandparent is an accomplishment in life. You've provided a safe enough environment for your children to have children. I get that now. 

Writing is an incredible act of trusting yourself. 

I understand why homeless people sleep a lot. Sleep is one of the unknown, underrated, unrecognized addictive drugs in this world. It disguises itself as a solution to a problem, then keeps you under its habit. 

The earth will always give you enough to survive. You are a child of Mother Earth, and as long as you have faith, it will never fail you. But to make something of yourself, that is up to you as an individual and a test of how well you use the resources given to you in this life.

The thing about Flora was that I was always so amazed w/ her, even the little things - how she stretched her legs, put on her socks, the way she snored. I was in awe of it all. It was truly divine. 

My friend, brother really, asked me to send him some songs I recorded in the Amazon. They were still unedited in my phone. He was leaving in 2 days. To be honest, I was busy as fuck and I wouldn't have felt the least bit bad for saying no. But I did it. And now I have a good memory of helping a friend and brand new songs on my desktop. 

I like fasts because they remind what it is to chew, to bite, to our natural instincts. I'm not so aware of the actual health benefits of fasting, but in terms of realigning you and being a friendly reminder of where we come from, it is a healthy way to approach life. 

I became friends w/ Duy because I didn't snitch on him in front of the cops. That night I learned two things: The importance of loyalty and keeping your mouth shut. And the other was that the police LIE.

The Light is always there. 

Notes from my 87th trip (Concentration)

Sometimes that last thing you want to do is move forward, but you have to. Because that's life.

For all the people who are telling me that I'm doing the right thing by moving on from Flora, I respectfully ask you to kindly shut the fuck up. This will most likely never stop affecting me.

"I swear, I meet the most amazing people at these things."

"You know why that is, brother?"

"Why?"

"Because you're meeting yourself. This is all just one giant cosmic mirror."

When a writer can sum up an entire period of heartbreak into one casual passing sentence in a book is impressive.

Notes from my 86th trip (Celebration with Madrinha Nonata)

Desirée is one of my best friends. She let me put the accent mark in her name incorrectly nearly the entire time we were together.

A large part of me is afraid that I will never find someone that will love me as much as I love Flora. Maybe that's okay though, because I was reaching into weird, obsessive territory.

At the end of the day, regardless of what happens, the Love I lived with Flora, not everyone is afforded that privilege in life.

The fact that women can push another human being out of their bodies is something that is not respected enough these days.

When she used the word "boyfriend", I have to admit, a part of me twitched. At first,  I thought it was because I didn't want her, that I was repelled by the thought of spending the rest of my life w/ her, but when I think about it now, it was because I was afraid, I was afraid of throwing away something really special on a gamble that had every odd stacked against me. I was afraid of that truth, that what this man had said about this woman was 100% true. And I was just to blind at the time to see it.

One of the biggest compliments that Desirée gave me was that she said I was the type of guy she would have children with. Flora actually said the same thing. In fact, the one time she thought she was pregnant, she was overwhelmingly happy, instead of freakin' the fuck out.

One of the funniest things someone ever said to me was that she had to avoid the World Cup in Brazil because she'd come home pregnant.

Notes from my 85th trip (Cura)

The LOVE you have for yourself. Nobody can take that away from you. Not anyone. Not the voices, not the opinions. Not Flora, even she cannot take that from you. The Love you have for yourself. That is your right, given by God.

Your father needs you. It is a matter of life and death. 

What if this is your father's final message to you?

Flora is home. It's her. That is a fact of your life. It is not something you can change, unfortunately.

You have to keep track of Flora, make sure she's okay. That is the role you signed up for. Whether you realized it or not. 

You lost sight of who you were in Brazil. It is because you finally saw your path, your purpose in this world. You couldn't handle it. That's why you're here. 

When your body betrays you. When it betrays you it is giving you a warning call that it is in need of self-rescue. Self-preservation. 

I hate to say this, but to be a good writer, you have to know what it is to suffer.

I don't think a parent is every ready to say goodbye to their child. 

These things that our bodies and minds are capable of. To think, to move, to have the sense of humor we do, the ability to deconstruct and reconstruct systems. To love. It can all be taken away in an instant. It is very important to give thanks to what we have - every, single day.