Notes from my 82nd work (Cura with Paulo Roberto)

I don't really understand why it is taking so long for me to get over this relationship. I wonder if it is just as difficult for her. If there was anything that I'd want her to know is that she ripped my life open, took it all apart, laid it out in front of me, showed me what was wrong, then left w/o telling me how to fix it. 

I miss my friend Sarapó. He is the true definition of what an indigenous person is and how they are currently living.

I get worried that if I don't write some of these stories down, I will forget them.

I understand what it is to be offended by a certain person in your life to ask, "How are you doing?" There's usually a really long and crazy story behind it.

If I were to die tomorrow and make an overall assessment of my life, I'd say it was one lived w/o enough risk, too much fear, too much laziness.

"I didn't have a sickness, I had a misunderstanding." 

I think the conclusion I've drawn thus far is that the more free time I have, the worse things get.

A true teacher will not show you the answers, just where to look.

When you say no to temptation, it bangs louder on your door, but as a torment instead of a seduction. And the further you resist the temptation, the more you begin to trust yourself.

This whole thing is ridiculous. Life is ridiculous.

I really want to interview a porn star. Like what are the recruiters like? It's like for every fetish, the porn industry says, "We'll find someone willing to do that." I just wonder, what do they say? Does it sound different to you now? If I had my choice, I'd interview Sensi Pearl.

There is something super endearing about a person who uses the word "scoundrel". Even more so when they use it referring to themselves.

In many ways, Brazilians figured it out.

I think one of the most important things Brazil taught me is to not make any assumptions about anyone.

Rio isn't perfect. In fact, it's pretty fucked up. But it gave me enough confidence + support to take a chance on making it my home.

I will say though, one of the best things about being back in Seattle is I get to see my parents. 

I wonder if when my friend Zoë asks me to hang out, she does it knowing that I've had and probably will always have this tiny, sort of, but kinda serious crush on her.

I wonder if when a parent has an intention for a child's life, that it is the child's duty to fulfill that intention. But then what about the personal aspirations that child find on its own path? I guess that's the test. Following your heart while being responsible for your duties. 

When Flora made out w/ someone else, and wanted to continue to have the freedom to do so in our relationship, that hurt on a variety of levels, but I realize now that a lot of the suffering lied in a logical equation that I just couldn't understand. I should have asked her, "But wait. If I am the Love of your life, then why is just having me not enough?" 

I think that's the goal for everyone in any sort of serious relationship. To feel that they are enough, for that person, and for the world. 

Notes from my 81st work (Wedding Work)

You have to be more aware of what is happening around you. Pay more attention, basically. 

Man. I cannot believe until now you could not see that you had a totally unhealthy obsession for Flora. But there was something real there too. I just lost control of it. 

I think it's important to try, to at least try, to make something of yourself. Because you might fail, but you might not. And you already know what it feel like to not try. 

I used to be a boxer. Like I trained seriously in that for a few years. I shouldn't forget that.

So many times that we look back on the past thinking, "I should have known better." We just have to remember that in the moment there are angles that we can't see, and we really are doing the best we can.

That is a question I should ask myself every morning in the mirror:
"Am I going to give my best today?" 

I think I am realizing something in my life needs to change. I need more structure. I need guidance to follow. 

It is hard to determine what is fact and what are feelings, when writing your own biography. 

The thing I now see about Flora and I is that there is no person to blame. There was no one person who was wrong at the end of it all. We were both right and wrong at different times, played the parent when the other needed and we loved one another. That was Love. The real thing. People can think whatever they want about her or about how I've approached the whole relationship, but you will NEVER get me to say it wasn't Love. 

I know about cheating. I've been on both sides of that battle.

I think it is important after a recovery that you remember that you were once a person unharmed. 

Child rapists should really be hung. The type of psychological scarring they cause is sickening. All because they're fucking selfish people. 

It's always a bit awkward when the person you're dating catches you Googling the "Overly-attached Girlfriend Meme." Even if it happened to be a pure coincidence, it's still a tough situation to explain yourself out of. 

When I show up at the moment the grocery store first opens, like I planned for that to happen, I always have to analyze my life a bit. 

A******: I think the problem is that I am honestly trying to determine if I am good for your life. Yeah. Flora really fucked me up. 

Most times I just wondered if I had affected her as she did me. I was never sure, and that was probably the problem. 

"When I go, I wish to return as a child, like how I came."

It is important to do things that fit, not because they are safe. 

Sometimes when I read articles about why Seattle is such a great city, it kinda feels like they're reaaaaalllly trying hard to convince people not to kill themselves for being from Seattle. 

One thing that I loved about the forest is that you could eat the dirt.

There was a time in my life where I would wake up and my entire day would be determined on whether or not Flora texted me that morning.

I am now seeing that in many ways the choice between staying here or going back to Brazil is very much a choice between Love and duty. 

Oh my father of healing, he came to heal. If you do not open the doors for him, the sickness will remain.

I think the reason I've been coming back to these meetings is because it makes me feel okay about my life. 

"If you want to go on a journey, you go out by yourself. But if you want to complete that journey, you invite someone onto that path." 

You know that guy where you instinctively feel, "Wow. It would NOT be cool to be friends w/ that guy." Like even to have him around, really. Like he's THAT annoying. Yeah. I've met him before. 

I think I very much know what it is like to live in a place w/ far too much empty space, filled w/ all the necessities and even luxuries of life, but be completely vapid of Love. 

"Forgiveness is the medicine for every relationship on earth." 

In general, I want everyone I know to be happy and healthy. It's funny. I know the formula of how to achieve happiness, but I can't seem to get it. It's pretty much being okay w/ your life. 

I've become a nicer person as I've grown older. I guess that's one good thing about aging. 

So there's this guy that I used to refer to as "Jungle Caveman". He was the type of dude that could get dirty but come out the other side clean w/o bathing. One time, he took me down the hill from church in his Mitsubishi Galant while playing techno music. People are fucking crazy. 

I'll be frank w/ you A******. I'm not sure I'm worth the trouble. 

Notes from my 80th trip (Passagem do Mestre Irineu)

This sound extremely elementary, but is a writer's job to explain emotions. What it is to cry, to pain, to hurt and to Love. That is the task set upon a writer, and the path which you are on. 

I think people view me much differently than I actually am. If they knew the type of thoughts that run through my head all day they'd puke.

When you're young, you think the world is full of second chances. I guess I'm reaching th age where I feel like this is kinda it. 

I have to remember that I felt nearly dead 8 months ago. I'm not doing all that well, but it is a huge, major improvement. 

You can learn a lot by paying attention to how long it takes to acquire the different belts in Jiu-Jitsu.

The people you appreciate least are oddly the ones you miss the most in times of despair. 

All of this is to teach you humility. Not until you have truly learned it will you be able to move on.

My father's near-death experience has revealed many insecurities that I thought I did not have.

This time in Seattle has not been a waste of time. It is a lesson in the same story. Remember that. Always. 

I have a ridiculously good memory, and sometimes it sucks because I am haunted by memories I no longer want to remember. 

I think this time has been about unearthing a lot of deep-seeded addictions and addressing them properly. 

This has been a horrible year of my life. It was preceded by one of the best. It is a good example how much a fall from grace can hurt. 

Damn Grace. You just gave your heart to someone who hadn't grown up. I feel I'm still the same in a lot of ways. I wonder if w/ Flora, I was trying to be something I wasn't ready for. God knows I wanted to be.

That is it. This is training for you to become a man capable of loving someone responsibly.

Where it went wrong w/ Flora was when you started expecting her attention instead of being grateful for it. Granted, that's a tricky territory to manage, but I think that's part of what went wrong. 

It is when a Love can capture your existence up until that point you've been alive. That is what is so special about it. 

Police detectives responsible for turning people into snitches must have some crazy-ass psychology knowledge. I wonder what the educational requirements for that position is. 

Probably the only useful thing Jay-Z has ever said (at least for me) is that the success of his career was due to his ability to focus.