Notes from my 79th trip (Concentration)

Sometimes I feel like this thing is really trying to kill me.

When I put my hand on my father's head, he said to me, "Heal me. Heal me please." 

The thing that scared me most was that I didn't know what to do. All I could do keep my hand on his head.

I am in a constant confusion as to what my role is in order to best serve in this life. 

All of the tough moments, they are just bends in the path. If you are faithful to your path, then it will take care of the rest. But you have to trust in it. 

I have so much respect for you, Afrose. Like it's ridiculous. ( like the amount of scrill you be making for your poetry. Get that scrill son! )

As a writer, I see now: 

The world is my therapist. 

"It is not I who commands but God. It is not I who commands but God." 
This is the war cry of Saint Michael. Pick up your bed and get to work. Do not complain about your task, but pray. 

What to tell my father: 

You are a general. What you have endured thus far is to sharpen your skills, not to kill you. It is not your enemy, but your ally to strengthen you for the next leg of your journey. 

I am getting to the age where the people I know and love are starting to leave this life. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for someone who had to confront that as a child. 

You have been hiding behind your past as a fighter. When you were disciplined. When you had a fucking schedule. You are a joke compared to what you used to be. Flora said it one time. She said she still loved you, or at least who you used used to be. That is a good summation for your life.

Pornstars are a good example of how someone can never fully understand that they are good looking. That they are beautiful. 

George Bush Jr was a joke of a president. He's a joke of a human being when you really think about it. 

The things that mothers have had to endure...

Notes from my 78th trip (Gift of the Body)

People wonder why it is so hard for me to get over Flora. It is because everything she ever did, every word, every breath, every stroke, was in accordance with the divine. She was connected, without even fully knowing it. I guess at this point, I just hope she hasn't lost touch w/ that. 

You know those times where you just want everything to shut up and stop, for it to just be SILENT so you can make sense of reality, but you never get it? Yeah. For those that know that place, I feel you. I go through that every day. Really, I do. 

I realize I write because I am a deranged person. 

To anyone who has ever thought it would be interesting to date me. It would be interesting, no doubt, but I can't guarantee that it would be pleasant. 

If my father was to pass soon, I think the saddest thing is that he never saw me become a man. He never saw me married, he never saw me have children. He never saw me succeed in a profession where I could support myself. He never saw me happy, essentially.

A******, you have made this journey undeniable easier. Thank you.

The thing that is so sickening about this society is that it forces people to turn into machines in order to survive. 

Sometimes writing can very much be the same as piercing yourself in the heart. 

I think what I need to understand is that in healing, you must purge out the sickness. And that requires work and pain. 

A good teacher is one who will make you feel that you have no read nearly enough books.

To those who have tried to hurt me in this moment of despair, I remember those wound, I have grown scars over them. They are a part of me. And you will feel that when I come to deliver your judgment. 

I guess one thing I appreciate and despise about favelas is that people there are forced to confront a lot of pain and suffering at an early age. 

Flora would fuck up most men's concept of masculinity. I guess that's another reason I loved her. 

Ego-driven self-belief will burn out in the face of reality. If one is perceptive enough.

Flora had the key. It was to the puzzle of understanding myself. That is why I was so obsessed with her. It was totally unhealthy. 

You need to stop complaining so much, Nick.

"The owner of temptation senses your weakness, senses your wounds."

I will write a book about Brazil one day. I remember everything. The scene, the smells, the FEEL. But I'm not yet a good enough write to capture it correctly.

Cherish every day of your youth. They are not meant to be wasted.

I guess what Flora taught me is to become a man that is worthy of being married. 

Desirée. I could totally design a room that I know you will fall deeply in love with. But you know this as well as I do, we are not meant to be together. But whoever gets you is a lucky person. 

On an ongoing decision on whether or not I truly like my editor at Vice, I do have this to say: 

He makes me figure things out on my own and almost never edits anything I write. That is such a relief, not having to wake up and see some monstrosity Frankenstein job of your words that have been managed in a way that goes against your beliefs. Using your own words to represent something you detest. That is the greatest insult. 

Based on the comment potential alone, the death of Chuck Norris will be the funniest day in recorded history. 

You want to be more but you are afraid. 

The stories of grandmothers are sacred. 

"It is from humility that everything else comes." 

This is all part of a long journey. The times when you swore it was over, that you cursed her to the depths of the most horrible Hell, all of it is just guidance back to her.

When I was asked what I prayed for tonight, in other words, what I wanted to be healed, I said the following: 

"The brokenness of me so I can be a person who is there for his family."

That moment is where I signed up for that role. 

Desert Dwellers