Notes from my 40th trip (Parabens)

Death is just about finding our way back home.

Despite anything that goes on between two combatants before or outside of the ring, from purely the opinions of others, the two men in the ring are friends at the end of the day. Because we get along w/ those of the same breed.

The only fans of my work are my friends that I've known in some other part of my life. I'd be lucky if it stayed that way.

Children are much closer to God than the rest of us.

You know, I can usually tell what most women will look like when they're older. 
I can't tell w/ Flora. Interesting.

Anyone who thinks crawling is pathetic has no humility. Nothing is pathetic if done w/ dignity.

You never HAVE to do anything anyone else tells you. 

Whether or not you should, is a different question.

Paulo Coelho is one of three things:

1) A really bad writer.
2) A writer w/ a poor translator.
3) Someone I am not yet wise enough to understand.

There are many places in the world which you like. 

But which one 

is 

your 

home?

Notes from my 39th trip (Caboclo Guerreiro)

People should have higher standards to who they sleep with. The body is a temple. It should have adequate defenses to be passed in order to enter.

You will find me just constantly laughing, for no reason. Laughing. Cuz life is just one giant joke, and when we finally get it, we die.

We reach a point where things stop happening to us and instead we've learned how to give direction to the things we must learn to accept.

What a ridiculous person I am.

I think I've figured out what human trait bothers me the most: undisciplined arrogance.

At it's purest essence, all religions are a path to enlightenment. The problem is that human beings are corrupt.

I once told Flora that I needed to be away to protect her from something. I now see that that 'something' is me.

You know, as much as I despise "Landmark Education", I still recognize that it has genuinely helped some people through.

When I stop to think about it, Flora must live in such an insane world. Then she had to deal with ME. Haha. Jesus. The shit I must have put her through.

My friend Yoga is like this medicine that I need, but never want to take.

I see now that my father protects my art.

All my parents are asking is that I show a little more interest in their lives. That I care about them more.

Sometimes I feel that all writing is, is sharpening your tools so someone can receive your message.

If I'm to be honest, I feel a little lost w/o Flora.

I put my first girlfriend through so much shit. 

Good God, what a train-wreck that one was.

Jenna Jameson must live in a fucked up world, inside that head of hers.

Ogum, Mamae Jurema, Oxúmaré, Rainha da Floresta, Oxala

GAIA

Writing is a destructive art, and what it leaves in its destruction, it creates a bridge.

If I ever kill myself, it will be "Hara-Kiri" style.

When you think about it, killing yourself is to bestow the role of liberator upon yourself. 

Marcella. You really do deserve someone amazing in your life. And that person isn't me.

My friend Hugo and his girlfriend look perfect together. If someone asked me, "What kind of woman would Hugo be with?" She's the one I'd imagine. It's as if they plucked themselves out from my imagination.

Marijuana is a sacred plant, but when you abuse it by overuse, it is like you are taking a piss on that sacred territory.

Flora, I hope you can meet me on the other side of all of this.

We often read a book at the wrong time.

Every time you call Him, God gives you a blank notebook to write in.

I try to have enough room for my friends ( the world, really ), but I'd be lying if I said some of them never got too close to the line where I considered ending the friendship. Giving up, essentially.

File cabinets. Our minds need file cabinets.

Now is the time 

to 

RISE.

I once played an April Fool's joke on Flora that I didn't get my tourist visa back to Brazil. She played it right back by hanging up and ignoring 4 of my calls. She's a quick one, she is.

When I die, people will miss me. That's a nice thing to have.

It's ironic. All I want is a simple life, but here I am living all this crazy fucked up shit.

My entire way of being started in the boxing gym.

I tried to join the Marines when I was 16, through the INTERNET. I then received a very excited yet apologetic email saying I could not enroll until I was 17. Shame on you US government. You know better than that.

I feel like in many parts of the world, the role of teacher is revered in some sense of holiness and treated as such. Except in the US and other Western Powers. They seem to be blind to something.

Sex and death are close relatives.

When you truly believe that everything will work out, time no longer remains an issue.

It has to be her choice. It is always HER choice.

All these companies: Apple, Microsoft, Google, they are essentially selling their services as a master path to be guided on.

I would get back w/ Flora if given the chance. But she has to stop treating me like shit. Cuz that's what she was treating me like. At the same time, I let her. And that was the problem. I presented myself as such, and the fitting treatment was bestowed.

Everyone, everyone has a belief on how life should be lived. Being in a relationship is about stripping the other person down until the reveal it. Then it's about deciding if you are in accordance w/ it.

Both me and my photography student lack drive + discipline. He's 12, so he's excused. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Flora taught me how to value my own life.

I know I wrote all this pretty stuff about letting Flora go, but fuck all that. I ain't giving up that easily.

Response to my letter writer

Dear letter writer,

I have received your letter in the post and would like to thank you for the words of encouragement and support. I will be attending FLIP this week from Wednesday to Sunday. Here is my schedule of events:

1) Quinta-feira, 31 de Julio
15h - Mesa 2
Os possessos

2) Sexta-feira, 1 de Agosto
10h - Mesa 5
O Guru do Méier

3) Domingo, 3 de Agosto
14hr - Mesa 19
Os sentidos da paixão

4) Domingo, 3 de Agosto
16hr - Mesa 20
Livro da cabeceria

Perhaps we could meet in person, it would be great to discuss the contents of your letter. I will be staying at the Paraty Beach Hostel, and most likely be vested in something ridiculous. I hope to see you.

Cheers,


Nick Wong

A goodbye.

So Flora and I broke up, like for real this time. I think both us came to this realization that the presence in each other's lives is bringing more confusion than clarity (I took much longer to arrive to that realization than she did). It's like I finally understand when people say, "We're great when we're actually together, but the times when we're apart..."

The bane of the issue is her communication (or lack thereof) and my reaction to it. Basically, the communication is non-existent on her end, and I react to it like a child. I guess it's just hard to be the one always initiating the calling, texting and messaging without feeling like a complete pest. At the same time, I really do believe that she thinks about me in a dear way when we're not together, just for some people, they don't think to let the other person know through actions. That's not a criticism either, just a statement of how some people are.

I told her that we were the cause of our own problems, a very cause-and-effect/chicken-egg kind of thing. Her lack of calling is what causes my impatient behavior and my impatient behavior is what makes her not want to call me. Point is, neither one of us are good for the other at the moment and it's gotten to the point where it's affecting our lives outside the relationship.

But you know, I'm strangely not too bothered by it. I think back to our times together and smile at the memories where we shared a loving moment and were foolish enough to think it'd last forever. And at the end of the day, all the things she's given me - the good and the bad, the smiles and the cries - they've made me a better person, for my life, and I'm grateful to her for that.

It's not a good thing to grasp onto the concept of love. It is the attachment that is the problem because love is never meant to be imprisoned. It is the liberator, the ultimate power that exists in the world, and we are subject to its will. That's not to say that we always give into the outside forces that try and dictate our lives. There are certainly times to fight, but love, true love, is not one of them. Because after all this time, I've finally realized that love is not a fight; it is a flower, meant to be treated as such.

I told Flora that I'd wait for her, that the door to my heart would always remain open while I worked through my issues. She didn't like the answer. She told me that if I was meant to be hers, she wanted it to be with a free heart, that I had to be open to possibilities. That's the core difference between the two of us. I'm all about controlling your urges in protecting the one you care about most; she's more about listening to them to find that person. The truth lies somewhere between the two of us.

But overall I see what she's saying and I feel myself letting that happen. Part of me is sad about that, but another part is very excited because letting go of the fight is how you truly find love. I'm at peace with the prospect of Flora not being the one, because if it's not her, it's someone amazing that I'll meet somewhere down the road. And if it's not me for her, she'll meet that person too, cuz she deserves it, more than anyone I've known.

Notes from my 38th trip (Gira)

(Private session)

Notes from my 37th trip (Concentração)

Cheating on one's partner is how a warrior hurts themselves.

Flora is probably one of the most difficult people I've ever met. At the same time, I wouldn't be w/ someone who did everything I said.

Conformity, when done for the right reasons, is an unstoppable force.

Flora is liberating me from my self-imprisonment w/ romance.

Trusting someone w/ a child is a big deal.

Training Jiu-Jitsu is a very real fight against death.

When Grace said that she was okay w/ me going to Spain, I wonder if she knew that was the beginning of the end. And if she knew how much that meant to me.

Be honest. How many of you sick fucks actually wash your hands after going to the bathroom?

Oh! The things one thinks of saying AFTER an argument has occurred.

I realize why I have adult acne. 

It is b/c I am a late bloomer.

Everything deserves its correct title.

I am living a life that should be lived.

The military is responsible for the sons and daughters of a nation. Some places need to give that more thought.

I can now tell when someone speaks w/ borrowed words.

Anyone that comes after Flora for superficial reasons:

I promise you, it is not worth the fight.

It is in times of emergency where we remember clearest, what matters. We should therefore be in a constant state of emergency.

A true fight between trained boxers is merely one's truth against the other.

Now I understand why photographers are snarky. It's b/c wannabes deserve it. And those meant for the profession pass through.

We need to clean our minds more often than we think.

Notes from my 36th trip (Céu da Misericórdia)

Flora's instincts are very correct in staying away from me right now. There is something I need to protect her from, and I need to do this alone.

I protect people today, so that someone can do it for me when I'm older.

I ask that you help so I can leave solitude.

All teachers are a bit crazy. The good ones have control over their insanity.

You are in control. You create your own rules. 
But there needs to be rules, you understand that?

You know those people that you meet an you just want to say to them: 
"You are the most frustrating kind of annoying."

Buddhism is correct. 'Wanting' anything will only lead to suffering. Our turmoil lies in our own possessions.

When someone studies, not out of the ego as being viewed as a studious person, it is a beautiful thing.

Taking pictures is much like fishing. 

"Education and patience is everything." 

I am sorry, Flora, that I have chosen you.

Daime, like most things in life, is for everyone that dares to enter.

When I think about it, writing is just a way to transmit your lived human experience in an entertaining way.

Sometimes I feel like a virus that has infected Flora's life.

When you start looking for lessons instead of entertainment, the earth trembles.

I finally get the lesson, Flora.

Don't give up on me, Flora. Please.

If I had to describe Jiu-Jitsu in one animal: 
Rattlesnake.

Ah. I get it. Flora is here to straighten out all my crazy.

Flora is teaching me how to love unconditionally.

It is important that people like me, not like an insecurity overly need to compensate for my existence kind of way, but like being aware of the energy I am bringing into their lives. We always return to square one.

Both my parents are cancer survivors. 
I've never given them enough credit for that.

This whole process is about gaining control.

Sometimes the ability to be disgusted with something is a privilege.

What I've learned is that me and Flora (and for serious relationships in general) are not against each other. The things we do to hurt one another are tricks from the enemy. We are on a united front against the forces trying to destroy love. 

Notes from my 35th trip (Passagem do Mestre Irineu)

In every problem there is an adventure and a lesson in finding the solution.

Whether or not we have a say in our destines is an issue meant to be left unsolved.

Flora is the one chosen to give me the hardest lessons in life. So if at times it seems like I am a bit attached to her, it is the same relationship a student has to their teacher.

I have so many stories pending permission from their subjects.

Q: Why do I write?

A: Because I have a message to deliver.

The master is beginning to reveal himself.

I do my best to be happy, joyful + full of glee throughout the day. 
But I am also the type to not put up w/ bullshit. I stop that real quick.

People who do things under the guise of love need to peel back the layers and face a part of the mirror that they may not want to see.

I realize, I hate cowardice, but I do not hate the people who are cowards. I view them as one who has been infected w/ the disease, and I am the one to cure them.

A father raising a son is the work of God in motion.

Thank you, Desirée, for letting me go.

I realize that this entire process is the purging of anger out of my body.

Discipline. Discipline is the key to everything.

I am of the full belief that you can discover the universe in one person. 

The first time I watched Life of Pi, I watched it until the hospital scene, right before he told the other story. Haha. It had to happen that way.

It's a hell of a thing to try your best to live up to the ideals of what it means to be a man, to the point where others truly want you, but the one that you want...you are unsure if she will choose you.

It's like I reached the point to embark on the right path. Now it's about reconciling all the sins that I made to get here.

Q: Why do you write?
A: Because I have a message to deliver.

I'm always the random Asian dude that just shows up.